Guilt After Child Loss

Some say that she acted impulsively, that she was only thinking about those who harmed her at the time, that she couldn’t see the light from all the pain and darkness others surrounded her with. They say it’s not my fault.

I take that back, some parents have said it’s my fault as her mother for not noticing, for not getting her the right help, for not losing my cool with the school administrators, for not having her in therapy, for not teaching her better, the list goes on. Some say that she would still be here if I were just a better mom.

As if I don’t have enough guilt of not knowing what she was planning.

A Recent Trip to Heaven brought me to a carnival. I had no idea there were carnivals in heaven, but according to my daughter and her heaven there is. it was dark out and the sky had a lit haze from all of the carnival lights. There were not a lot of people there, but people who looked familiar to me. Let me back track a bit. When I landed in heaven I knew I was there and had landed. I knew I had meditated and fell asleep and woke in heaven. I landed on two feet as if I were dropped there. I turned to the right and I saw my daughter walking with another female. My daughter looked to her left and stopped. She then came around the front of the tent. I said ” RYLIE IS THAT YOU?” She had let her hair grow out. She always wanted to do that. She said “Mommy?” questioning if she was really seeing me. I said “Rylie!!” and I grabbed her and held her. She hugged me back as I said “Are you in heaven?” She said “yeah” as she looked around and did the teenage ‘duh’ look. My daughter was standing next to a friend of mine named Linda who I lost in death late 2000 from myocarditis. Linda said to me “I have your baby and she will be with me, I will take care of her now.” Linda was never able to have children of her own. She knew I was pregnant with my son when she was ill and passing. Linda looked down at Rylie and said “Rylie we must go now.” I said “no, please don’t go!” Rylie said “mommy, I am ok, look I am in heaven. ” Linda reached for her hand and Rylie grabbed ahold of it. The two turned around and started walking. I said “but I love you Rylie.” Rylie said “I love you too Mommy!” When I turned around I was crying and my head bumped into the hip of a very tall man, Robert Wadlow. Robert is a distant cousin of mine who passed a very long time ago. Robert is to this day the Worlds Tallest Man and is in the Guiness Book of World Records. Rylie always wanted to meet him. I imagine now she knows him well. It would make sense why they would both be at a carnival. After I realized who he was I said “hello.” and I felt a tug on my back as if a string or a cord were attached to me. I woke from sleep remembering every detail of what had just happned. I will never forget the blessing I received this day having gotten to see, talk, and even hold my daughter again.

Three Days After

Three days after Rylie passed away things began happening in our home. The television would turn on and off while we were watching it.

The video we had made for Rylie’s funeral is on a thumb drive. It is a photo compilation of her growing up. The television would stop what we were watching, flip input to the thumb drive and her video would begin to play. This occurred five times once for each person in our home to see it.

My husband did not believe us when we told him this was happening. One day however when he was playing on his xbox (which him and Rylie played together frequently) his xbox stopped. The television switched input and her video began to play. He switched the input back immediately. The television switched back to her video. This went on about four or five times until he sat and watched her entire video.

Rylie was/is a Diva. I am certain this is her way of telling us she is here. There is so much more to tell.

I can’t wait to share it all!

Dreams and Astral Travels

Most recently, I had another dream of the rapture. My first was seeing angels that told me Rylie was already with them.

This time was different. The sky was again pink. Archangel Micheal was in a wooden chariot and he came down from the sky.

The trumpet sounded loudly the entire time this was happening. Thousands of souls of women, men, children, and animals were waiting in a line. There were stairs everyone walked up. This time, I wasn’t scared to go with them. Rylie was waiting.

My First Visit to Heaven

I first visited Heaven

about two years before my daughter took her own journey to heaven. I’m not sure how or why I was blessed to see this, maybe for the mere fact of giving hope to others. Perhaps it was to be able to know where my daughter would be so it could give hope and relief to myself when the moment came, or maybe it was a mistake somehow like my soul family informed me once I was there.

But, there are no Divine mistakes.

Either way, I would like to share this with  my readers because it was an extraordinary journey. In March of 2015, I fell asleep quickly and did something only some can achieve, astral projection. During this I was allowed to receive a glimpse of heaven.

I did not know the term astral projection until after my daughter took her trip to her heavenly home. Call it what you will, I was there and it was amazing.

I had a string attached to me. Strangely, I felt completely light. I was weightless, much like when you get into water and you can bounce and float. I floated into a room where it smelled like the inside of a florist shop. It was amazing! Roses, lilies, carnations, cut stems of baby’s breath, I could smell it all! I didn’t see these flowers, but I knew they were there.

I arrived at two doors. The doors opened, and I floated inside. I had a guide with me telling me everything that was happening. The guide was a familiar voice, a soft spoken angelic voice and it made me feel completely calm. I’m not sure if you have ever experienced this type of calm. I had zero worries, zero thoughts, just existing and the emotion of excitement. I know now that this was consciousness, something we all possess and take for granted.

I had no idea what I was entering into.

When the doors opened and I floated inside. A crowd of souls met me there. Everyone was so welcoming and excited that I was there. I was the star, I was important and the greatest feeling I can remember experiencing was love. I knew everyone. I could hear everyone. The souls all talked at once and yet, I understood every word.

The souls had no faces, everyone was the same. Everyone was a glowing golden yellow light. Everyone had shapes, the same shape, much like human shape. Everyone beamed with love and love was everyone. All of the souls were different and spoke differently. They were all people (souls) that knew me from this life, the last, and before that.

Have you ever felt such complete overwhelming love without having to question why you are feeling it? This was that feeling and I reciprocated that very love to each and every one of them.

My guide told me to look to the left. White angels stood up as tall as tall could be. They were incredibly tall and behind them was the brightest light I have ever seen. This was Divine Light, God. I told my guide, “that is the brightest light!” I asked “why is it not hurting my eyes?” My guide answered “there is no pain here and God would never cause pain.”

At this time, I said “I need to go get the rest of my family, I want them all to come here and experience this!” My guide said “No it is not their time, nor is it yours.”

I started to ask questions quickly and I begged to stay. I didn’t want to leave. “What do you mean it isn’t my time?” “Why can’t I stay?” “Why can’t my family come?”

I floated back to the door, into the room that smelled of flowers and I was jerked back by the string. I quickly viewed space as like it was only a painting on a wall that I ran by. This happened so quickly I had no time to study details.

I woke up choking on acid from my stomach. I have suffered choking attacks like this many times since my early 20s and thankfully have always woken up. I try to do everything to prevent these episodes. Sometimes it still just happens.

Here nor there; I believe I was meant to see this for whatever lesson the Divine intends for it. Whether you, my readers are grieving and need hope, you are scared of what might be, or if it was just so I would know where my daughter is and how much continuous love she feels, it was and will always be a blessing to me.

I hope this inspires you. God is real. The intense emotions I get from recalling this magical event in my life are overwhelming tears of joy and a heart filled with love. I will never forget my first or any trip I have been allowed to take to heaven.

More to come…

with love,